Have a good think back. Ever seen a celebrity on public transport?
I have. Well, of a sort. I sat behind Ben Fogle on GNER train to Leeds once. It was late, the drinks trolley had been round a couple of times, and I’d really like to take this opportunity to apologise to the bouffant Mr Fogle about the behaviour of the couple sitting behind him. The fact we were whistling the theme to Animal Hospital for twenty minutes, when the man himself presents a show called Animal Park, can’t really be applauded. To his credit, Ben didn’t utter a word of reproach.
Which brings me to think of the larger picture. It’s hardly a surprise that celebrities spurn the public transport network when it’s full of gaping loons, gawping in surprise that they’re sharing a carriage with someone off the telly.
Lily Allen, often perceived as a confident, go-getting girl about town, has had a worse ride than even Mr Fogle. She had a nasty experience a couple of years ago on a rowdy New Years’ Eve tube train: “People started shouting and singing ‘Smile’ at me and I was in tears: ‘Just leave me alone!’ And people were like, ‘What the f**k are you doing on the Tube?’” she said after the event. “I thought, ‘You know what, I’m not gonna get on the Tube for a while’.”
It shouldn’t be like this, should it? How do we solve this problem? Well, my answer is, it’s not our problem – the members of the general public, that is. What our more famous Britons need is strength in numbers.
We’re all familiar by now with the ‘crocodile system’. The hand-holding processions of primary school whippersnappers in day-glo jerkins, trotting safely off to school in the morning like a pack of meerkats. It’s a system that works. So why not apply the same thing to our celebs?
My plan is to build a transport network of famous people across the land that are too scared to get on public transport, and get them to travel together. Imagine the scene: Jude Law is seated on a Virgin Pendolino, travelling into the capital after a hard week’s frowning. Just as two fish-mouthed, shoulder-tapping nuisances materialise, who walks in from the toilets but Kate Moss? With that one from The Kooks. And another one from The Kooks, maybe. They’re joined by Jonny Lee Miller, who used to be a bit more famous, but at least he’s making up the numbers.
Confronted with a spectrum of talent like that, your average punter is going to be too dumbstruck to weigh in with a pithy line or two about Law’s generous hairline in publicity photographs. It’s safety for them, it’s good for the planet, it’s also brilliant for tourism. So Mr Fogle, if you’re reading, I have a sheaf of open return tickets here: one for you, one for Bill Oddie, and one for Rolf Harris. He can whistle the Animal Hospital theme for you next time.
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Tags: Ben Fogle, Celebs, Jude Law, Kate Moss, Lily Allen, The Kooks
